Good out of weakness. Strict normative principles so as to control the world. A moral absolutist so as not to get hurt. Actions not adhering to, not possible to adhere to, such strict moral principles. Hurt inevitably following. Afraid to live. Ashamed to love. Each breath self-reflective. Critical. Analytical. Simply not comfortable in my own […]
Tag: obsessive compulsive
Infinite fear
Fear to fear to fear to fear. If sentences could readily bend, I’d twist that one end to end, To illustrate the following truth: Fear brings fear in an infinite loop. Instead a daily dose of wretched I shall permit – Of living life choked by anxious threat; Of more than words bending end to […]
Do I know fear?
Do I know fear? Never been in a war, a burning building. Never heard a gun fire, saw a child die. Never spent the night next to a loved one as she fought for survival. Never slept under a bridge, missed a day without eating. Never been mugged, accosted, molested. Do I know fear? Please […]
Nightly visitor
In my sleep? You coward. Attack a man while he slumbers. Red blood dripping from my right nostril. How close were you this time? In my nightmare I could sense your presence. Do you no longer attempt to conceal your footfalls? A coward and hasty. Are you afraid? Is this irony? Can fear by afraid? […]
Alone in a world of believers
You are blessed and cursed to have found your meaning in the question of meaning itself. Blessed to be motivated to take a journey of deepest discovery, not only of the universe without, but of the universe within. Cursed to be born in a world of believers, who are constantly and continuously tricked by the […]
As I lie awake staring at the faint light filtering through the space between the boards in my mind
Raising head, Lifting eyes from dark, Stepping outward, From underground. Strange hollowness, Echoes in mind, Empty of pretense, Confident in not knowing. Optimism seeking light, Broken long dormancy, Entering the world without, Blinding, suffocating familiarity. Same grey streets; Same concrete buildings; Same managed woods and rectangular fields and forgettable faces on Sunday walks on worn […]
OCD
Order born of fear. Claiming the seconds that make up the minutes that make up a life. Doubting, too, these thoughts.
Conversations with myself – #4
I’ve resisted writing. There is little new to say. Old terrain, worn terrain. And I annoy myself. And how! But it goes round. This thought. And that. Fueled by fear. Fear itself. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of weakness. Fear of being seen. Fear of second place, of ridicule, of pain. Fear of […]
Optimism
Set me adrift in the blackness, Let me spin aimlessly like a homeless globe, Traversing endless light-years without bearing. Release me to the void. To the black velvety comfort of a lightless horizon. I see. I hear. Nothing. A selfish bastard denying the world. One final cowardly display of spite. I spit at thee and […]
The wall
Spent a lifetime talking to that metaphorical wall, Beat my hands and head until they bled. Through streaming tears pleaded desperately, ‘WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’ Spent a lifetime talking to that metaphorical wall, Until yesterday, When I chose to listen.
Conversations with myself – #3
What did you want to be as a kid? I ask you – myself – what did you want to be as a kid? Did you want to be a slave to your obsessions? To your insecurities? Did you want to feel trapped inside your own mind? Did you pine to be, just simply long […]
The switch
The mind has made a switch, From days inward searching spent, To heed the call of assumed responsibilities, And rejoin the careening wheels of society. The mind has made a switch, And slides sadly into this communal pit.
…rhyming Homer with Homer…
Insight my mind has not brought! Endless loops with doubt fraught! Infinite thoughts pitifully caught! Stagnation has only wrought rot!
The war of the obsessed mind
With my fingernails broken I scratch, Every single hidden crevice and patch, Until I, tediously excavating the last, Finally from this space move past. And yet with doubt constantly plagued, Trapped wild beast mercilessly caged, In my head the war bloodily waged, Inane, insane, engulfed, enraged. Have you yourself lost in loops been? […]
Dissociation
Stop that grasping, and just let it go. I don’t exist, and never have. This body, this mind, these cells of bone, muscle, nerves and skin. I am an illusion, emerging from a neural network, unifying through gross abstraction, these multiple, interacting, embedded parts. I am and I am not. I am here, but I […]
How to end a conversation before it begins
‘How are you?’ ‘How are you?’ she said. In a floating transitional state, waiting for the cosmos to give me the sign. Where are my legs? And gravity? In a hyper-(ir)rational state. Am I sure of my arithmetic? Who says the world is logical? Logic to prove logic seems, well, ill-logical. I am tense. But […]
Ego metamorphosis
Trapped in this skin, A developed presence trying to break free, From the lower back, up along the edges of the spine, over and around the middle of the head: a pulling, wrenching pressure. Something long dormant has awoken, Cracking the thick, drying skin, Snapping the taught sinew and corded muscle, Breaking brittle bone, relieving […]
Quote #4
Hitting bottom isn’t a weekend retreat. It’s not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO! – Tyler Durden from Fight Club
The fortress nursery
I am a play-acting leader wandering aimlessly, Trudging up and down each ridge and valley, Marching headstrong on twisted paths unknowing; Eager to say ‘Here is the way, follow me.’ I set off young, ill-equipped, and eagerly, To a distant snow-capped peak I aimed to journey, Heavy burdensome pack filled to overflowing; Doubt, inexperience, […]
Lyrics #1 – The Grudge – by Tool
Check out video here. Check out lyric interpretations here. Writers: Adam Jones, Daniel Carey, Maynard Keenan, Justin Chancellor The Grudge Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity. Calculate what we will or will not tolerate. Desperate to control all and everything. Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all […]
