Nightly visitor

In my sleep? You coward. Attack a man while he slumbers.

Red blood dripping from my right nostril.

How close were you this time? In my nightmare I could sense your presence. Do you no longer attempt to conceal your footfalls?

A coward and hasty. Are you afraid?

Is this irony? Can fear by afraid? Anxiety anxious?

Red blood dripping, staining the white cotton sheets.

I no longer love you. And you want to punish me for that. I no longer need you, and you don’t want to be left alone. You would rather kill me than let me be rid of suffering.

Coward. Bastard.

Stalking, scheming, insidious toxic parasite.

I repeat and hear it well; take heed of these last words of mine. I speak them, standing over your unmarked grave in the secret place where I have buried you, countless times in my brightest hopes. ‘You are a fucking coward. Nobody loves you anymore. You belong in the wasteland, forgotten, in an unmarked grave, endlessly and mercilessly trodden upon.’

I long for the day I uncover you, reveal your chaotic and frantic fury, and take my two hands, wrap them gently, softly, almost lovingly, around you, embracing you, as you thrash about. I dream of the day I suffocate the life-force from your evil gasping. Silence, make still, your aimless thrashing.

Until next time. Until tonight. Until after the red blood has dried.


  1. Yes, another ‘quite a night’. Visited by the Demon Fucker. I doubt, as your words, surely not intended to imply, you ever loved Him. No! You never loved Him. Who could! But, then, child eyes did not hate Him. Even as you knew not His intent, to ruin you, you did not love Him. You neither knew, so young, to hate Him. You had so much positive, passionate intent for Life, as all young life does, or should, and like a virus riding the glow of Life the Demon Fucker had already invaded your space, a tiny dark dot into the bark of your branching ascending tree, and the torment came in, perhaps during rain. He will return, especially in the night, say 3 a.m. He will always be the Demon Fucker, never to settle as in a last fight with you. No, never on the field of battle, face to face. He’s a terrorist, hounding to death in darkness, planting bombs, instilling poison into one’s drink, always remote, dividing one’s powers, biting like wolves at the vital flanks of the expos ed legs. Destroying rest, chasing relief from torment. A very smashing of the brain! You must be determined to resist, for ever if He does not go away. If He does not leave you alone. You must Resist. Or die. I hope, do hope, you survive to sever His fucking head. Show me, good son, suffering son, I will be so joyed, on a platter, on a board, in a shovel the fucking head of him.

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  2. Is the glimpse into the ether worth it?

    Is acknowledgment in its purest form the source of everything? Or is there wisdom in what we willfully choose to ignore?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you!

      I have pondered your questions for a couple days now. I am unsure exactly what you are asking, but perhaps I get the gist.

      For me, I not only glimpse into the ether, I spend days, months, living within and breathing the ether. If by ether you mean the unknown, the fear and anxiety of your life, the world you dare not enter for it might be too terrifying, the truth too exacting. Why do I do this? The answer relates to your other two questions.

      If by acknowledgement you mean an uncovering and understanding of the deepest truth and reality about the cosmos and your place in it, I would argue it is the source of everything worth holding on to, worth striving for. It is no mistake that one of the strongest and long-lasting pearls of wisdom is ‘know thyself’. Knowing yourself requires you understand your relationship to reality, as part of who you are (indeed, perhaps all you are) is a relational entity: you not only draw nourishment from water and molecules in food, warmth from the sun, oxygen from the air, but as an emotional and social creature you are defined in relation to others. In a very literal way you are defined and come to know yourself through the other, through the eyes and words and behaviours of other individuals.

      You can be ignorant. You may truly believe falsehoods and build them into your narratives. The universe doesn’t literally demand you know the truth. So no, acknowledgement isn’t the source of everything. But I argue it is the source of everything and anything worth tapping into. Why? Because the universe might not literally care, but if you live your life blind to a deeper understanding you will run into problem after problem after problem. Or so my experience has taught me. Problems with relationships. Problems with self-confidence. Problems at work or in society. You will thrash and point the finger everywhere, absolutely everywhere, other than at yourself. But once you wipe that slate clean, be willing to start afresh, be dedicated to writing a new narrative for yourself, one whose plot better reflects the true nature of reality and your place in it, many of your problems will disappear, your confidence will grow, your relationships will strengthen, you will know when to stay or when to move on, you will stop blaming others (and yourself) and accept not only the cards that have been dealt you (I, for example, have serious anxiety issues, ones I blamed the universe for for years), but you will also find ways to work on the things that are in your power to change. Nobody can ask anything more of you, and you will find you are actually beginning to live a meaningful life.

      As to your last question, I would have to say no, there is no wisdom in wilful ignorance. In fact, I find the notion a paradox. Once the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, there is no putting it back in. People try! Alcohol, drugs, running away, escape escape escape! But once the cat is out it will always find you. In bed late at night. In those moments of clarity when you look at yourself in the mirror. When you reflect on your life and realize it is dripping away and you have wasted most of it. And, for many people I imagine, the cat comes back on their deathbeds. Don’t let that happen! Don’t die without ever knowing yourself and truly living!

      Once you glimpse into the ether it is already too late. As in the Wizard of Oz, a peek behind the curtain is all that’s needed to shatter the fantasy. But as you peer ever deeper into the ether, you will find your courage, your strength, your wisdom, your life.


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